I had a workout buddy a while back who would join me for classes at our local gym. One evening, as we were getting ready for class, she made a comment about seeing a picture of herself that made her cringe.
"I know I need to lose that weight, so I put the picture on my fridge to motivate me when I'm tempted to reach for the pizza."
At that point, her words made me cringe. It hurt me to see someone I love, respect and admire not love, respect and admire herself.
Self-loathing and criticism are the #1 derailers of success. Why? Because nobody wants to invest time, energy, money and hard work into something they hate.
Eau contraire, we are much more likely to place success bids on things we believe in, things we trust, things we like. And we're much more likely to act on those bids in productive and fruitful ways.
So, in other words, the key to change is, ironically, acceptance. Acceptance of who we are, where we're at, the choices we've made to get ourselves here and acceptance that we're not where we want to be. But if we don't have the honesty and (as my sister so eloquently puts it) "self-vulnerability" to look at ourselves objectively and compassionately, then we'll never get the real changes we're looking for, because we're launching from a place of denial, resistance, hardness and ultimately fear. The antidote, then, is to shift our perspective in the direction of acceptance, openness, softness and ultimately love.
At this point, if you're like most people, your flags are going way up. "Wait a second! If I love myself as I am, won't I just become complacent?! Then I'll REALLY never see the changes I want!"
The counterintuitive truth, which is backed by an impressive body of research conducted by Dr. Kristen Neff (pioneer in Self-Compassion advocacy), is that acceptance and self-compassion provide a much more stable foundation and motivation for change than denial and self-criticism. This is because, if we truly have compassion for ourselves, we are recognizing the discrepancy between where we are and where we want to be. And if we truly accept ourselves -- meaning we are willing to take a courageous look at our own choices, skills and capabilities -- then we have much more stable footing on which we can build up our skill sets for change.
So, next time you're tempted to "hate your way" into change, remember what the science says...if you have the choice between fear and love, always choose love.
Yours in wellness,
Heather
Ps. If you're not sure how to get started, check out any of the "Self Compassion Break" meditations on the main page. These 5-minute powerhouses pack a punch of the benefits from Dr. Neff's research.