When most people hear the term "Self care," it often conjures up images of green face masks, bubble-baths, meditating on a mountain top (as if!) or getting a mani-pedi.
These practices, though expensive and inaccessible to many people, are not inherently valueless; it is important to nurture our bodies and minds on a regular basis, to keep us on our game so we can put more good out into the world. But the problem with focusing only on behaviors as a mechanism for self-care is that it grossly overlooks a whole other key component to effective self-care: the attitude that we bring to ourselves in challenging situations.
Think about it: when you're stressed, you're likely experiencing tightness and contraction somewhere in the body, you may be feeling sensations of anxiety and overwhelm in the temples, throat, chest or stomach, and are likely witness to racing thoughts like, "I shouldn't have put this off so long," "How on Earth am I going to get this done?!" or "My boss shouldn't have dropped this on me last-minute!"
What would it look like if, instead of berating ourselves (or others) for things not going our way, we offered ourselves some understanding and compassion, instead?
What if -- when that to-do list looks Herculean, or we don't get the promotion we applied for -- we treated ourselves with the same kindness, warmth and encouragement that we would offer a friend?
Would our train of thought shift from "You lazy, unaccomplished waste! You'll never get this done!" to "Wow, this is a really hard thing. I can feel that it's difficult, because I can feel the struggle in my body. Everyone has moments of overwhelm, stress, and disappointment. You're not crazy for feeling this way -- in fact, it's completely normal!"
Maybe we go so far as to put our hands on our heart, like a hug from a good friend. "Hang in there. This is tough. You've done tough things before -- I believe in you!"
What we know from both research and experience is that the mind-body feedback loop can be a really powerful agent for change - meaning that, if you intervene at one level or the other (mind or body,) you can expect to see some shifts all-around.
Note: Offering self-compassion is different than "positive thinking" and trying to replace negative emotions with positive ones. When this happens, there is a distinct resistance to the current experience of pain and struggle. And what we know -- at a physical and psychological level -- is that resistance causes tension, and tension usually leads to more resistance and pain, thereby begetting a vicious cycle. It's ultimately a turning-away gesture in our time of need.
By contrast, self-compassion is an inherent acceptance of the current experience of pain and struggle. It's saying, "yes, this is happening right now, you're not alone and you'll be okay." It's ultimately a turning-toward gesture in our time of need.
So, the next time you're overwhelmed, stressed, sad or otherwise distressed -- instead of abandoning yourself in your time of need, try "turning toward" yourself, with some good ol' self-compassion. And watch what happens!
Yours in wellness,
Heather
