Whenever I tell people that I'm a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I am usually met with one of two responses. Either the person cringes back, saying something like, "I'd better stop talking now!" and changes the subject, or (and this happens more frequently) their posture shifts, gaze becomes more focused, and they lean in, suddenly markedly more engaged and interested in what I have to say. As our conversation unfolds, I become distinctly aware that many folks think I have some major secret to mind-control, like I've dedicated 6 years of post-secondary education to mental wellness, so I must have some secret potion that, if drunk, will release all pain and bestow ultimate mind-and-emotion control.
I have some hard news and some empowering news.
The hard news first: You cannot control your thoughts and feelings any more than you can control the sounds of construction outside your office that your ears are receptive to, or the sting on your tongue when your coffee's too hot. These are natural, instinctual, inbred reactions that are ultimately designed to keep us safe.
The empowering news: you can choose how you respond to your thoughts and feelings, but this is where most folks get tripped up.
That's because this is where our analogy of the construction noises and hot coffee departs from the reality of thoughts and emotion. In the aforementioned circumstances, you can pretty easily reduce the "pain" induced by these experiences via avoidance -- for example, by putting in earplugs, or sucking on an ice cube.
But you can't put earplugs on thoughts like, "There's something fundamentally wrong with me," or the hurt incurred by a loved one's betrayal.
In fact, research has consistently shown that avoiding the inevitable pain of these experiences actually exacerbates and prolongs the suffering.
The reason for this has to do with a complex matrix of mind-body feedback loops involving tension created from avoidance and resistance to what already is.
This is where mindfulness comes in.
If we can learn to accept what is happening as it unfolds, by dropping the awareness into the body and tuning into the sensations themselves, then we simultaneously begin to detach meaning from the sensations. Then, we are positioned to make much healthier and more nurturing choices moving forward.
Not sure how to start? Here are a few tips to turn to the next time you're facing difficult thoughts or feelings:
1. It's already here.
As Mindfulness pioneer Jon Kabat-Zinn says so poignantly, our painful experiences are already here. They've already happened, so we are only over-exerting ourselves if we dedicated our energies to trying to suppress them down or push them away. Instead, see if it's possible to name the experience itself ("hm, this sounds a lot like an anxious thought," or "this sinking in my heart feels a lot like sorrow,") and allow it to be, as it is. Make space for it. It's already here, so allowing it to be here.
It might help to set a judgment-free timer. Set up a timer on your phone and tell yourself, "For the next 10 minutes, I'm going to allow myself to feel this feeling/have this thought floating in my mind, and I'm not going to judge myself, resist or avoid it."
Note: This doesn't mean you're wallowing in your painful emotion or distressing thought. It means that you're allowing it to be there, while neither engaging with it nor suppressing it.
A script that I like to give my clients is this: "Oh, hello (painful thought/emotion). I see you! You're already here, so come on in and join me as I shift my attention to (activity you're doing, sensation in the body, etc.)."
This can be remarkably powerful exercise.
2. Assign it a character.
We have been conditioned to believe that certain thoughts and feelings are "positive" and others are "negative." While this may serve us in some circumstances, it often seems to do more harm than good.
To help neutralize our reactions to powerful or intense thoughts and feelings, it can be helpful to think of them in visual and sensory terms.
Try assigning it a color. If this pain were a color, what would it be?
Assign it a shape. Is it a tight ball? An untamed fire? A rigid, heavy rock?
Drop the awareness into the body. Where do you experience this sensation? For example, does your stress feel like a red, pulsing flame behind your temples? Is your anxiety an orange, clenched ball in the throat? Is your hurt a grey rock sinking in your chest?
The details of what you assign it are not important, what matters is that they accurately represent your experience. Once you neutralize your experience, you can shift from a state of tension, resistance and avoidance to curiosity, kindness and nurturing.
3. Offer it some love.
I want to make a distinction here. Choosing to nurture and offer care to your pain is not the same thing as trying to kiss it away. Again, we're not trying to avoid the pain itself, but rather, turn toward it -- with softness, kindness, and love.
So once you've identified what you're feeling, and where in the body you're feeling it most strongly, try closing your eyes, brining your awareness to this place in the body, and offering some kindness, warmth and softens to the pain. You might imagine giving yourself a soothing "mental massage" by caressing the region with the breath. Again -- you're not doing this to make the pain go away, but rather, to be there for yourself in the midst of pain.
I'd love to hear how these steps worked for you. Let me know what helped you help yourself!
Yours in wellness,
Heather