When I was a kid, I got it all the time.
"Stop taking it so personally!"
"You take things so personally."
"You're so sensitive!"
Or, my personal favorite, "Not everything is about you." (As if I was asking to be insulted by someone's remarks).
Not surprisingly, I would take that comment personally, and the vicious cycle continued.
I remember feeling really frustrated as a kid, thinking to myself, "I don't want to be so negatively affected by others' words...I just don't know how to not!"
As Don Miguel Ruiz puts it in his best-selling book The Four Agreements,
Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Excellent point, but easier said than done. And one of the reasons this is difficult is because it's telling us what not to do, not what we actively can do to shift our perspective.
Here are 4 alternatives to taking things personally. (Wish I'd had these as a kid!)
1. Consider the source.
Remember that a person's words always reflect the speaker, not the spoken to. If I say, "The cake was good, but a little dry," that is a direct reflection of my own opinion, not of your culinary skills. It is reflective of my personal preference, which is for more moist cakes.
In particular, it might be helpful to ask yourself, "What is this person saying about himself? What is he revealing about his own limits, insecurities, anxieties or values?"
2. Listen to the message, not just the words.
This is a huge one, and it follows naturally from #1. This is a good one to use in work situations, especially between supervisor-supervisee relationships. For example, if you're new to a job and your boss corrects a minor error by saying, "You don't remember me teaching you this before?" it may feel like she's insulting your memory, skills or intelligence. But it could also be screaming of her own insecurity. She very well might be telling herself, "Shoot! Did I forget to include this in her training?" or "Maybe I didn't break it down well," or "I was kind of rushed, I should have budgeted more time for that training." Oftentimes, the most targeting and blame-shifting remarks stem from the speaker's own insecurity.
3. The 3-Alternatives Rule
We've all had that friend whom we text and don't hear back from for what seems like an eternity. And while we may be tempted to take that personally, an active alternative is to practice compassion by imagining 3 possible alternatives for why your friend didn't respond.
Maybe her phone broke. Maybe she has the stomach bug and has been lying in bed all day. Maybe she thought she hit "Send" But she accidentally hit "End." BOOM. Three potential alternatives that all have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Such imaginations may even conjure up feelings of compassion that incite your empathy, rather than hurt, offense or resentment.
4. The 3-person rule
While it is important to remember that anything a person says speaks more of them than of you, it is also important to pay attention to patterns of messages you receive.
I had a professer in undergrad who used a 3-person rule for self-improvement. The rule stems from an old adage that teaches,
"If one person tells you you have a tail, ignore them. If two people tell you you have a tail, laugh at them. If three people tell you have a tail, go home and check yourself in the mirror."
This can be a helpful barometer for receiving feedback across different settings. For example, if at work, school and social gatherings, people are constantly teasing you about being late, they're likely pointing at a true area that you could afford to work on.
As with everything, don't be too hard on yourself. Because when you choose love over self-loathing, you do more good in the world. And we all can get on-board with that.
Yours in wellness,
Heather