If you’ve never heard the term “Self compassion” before, you’re not alone.
The phrase, popularized by Researcher Dr. Kristen Neff, refers to our capacity to treat ourselves with the same kindness and gentleness that we would a good friend who is struggling.
Oftentimes, when we’re experiencing a difficulty of one kind or another, we berate ourselves with relentless self-criticism.
We tell ourselves things like,
“If only I had ______, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“I’m such an incompetent idiot! If only I could figure this out…”
“I’m such a failure and a screw-up!”
Then, to really seal the guilt in, we get “meta” on ourselves, and start getting down on ourselves for getting down on ourselves:
“Why am I feeling this way?! Why can’t I just control my thoughts/emotions?!”
“Come on, why am I so negative?! I just gotta think positive!”
Is it any wonder that self-criticism is associated with a host of different psychiatric issues, like depression, anxiety, stress and debilitating perfectionism?
Conversely, research suggests that high levels of self-compassion -- that is, the ability to treat ourselves with kindness, understanding and compassion amidst turmoil -- is negatively associated with and can powerfully mitigate symptoms of mental illness.
Additionally -- and not surprisingly -- self-comapssion has been shown to be a much stronger motivator for positive change than self-criticism.
This makes sense. When we’re looking to make a positive but difficult personal change in our lives, are we more likely to make investments of time, energy and money on something that we love and appreciate, or hate and distrust? For example, it is much easier to stick to an exercise regimen if I love and respect am invested in myself and my own well-being. But too often, we try to criticize our way into self-transformation (Ahem, Jillian Michaels anyone?!) which, unfortunately, often results in more harm than good.
So how do we cultivate more self-compassion?
It’s pretty straightforward, and includes three imperative steps:
Recognize that the struggle is REAL.
Become mindfully aware of when you’re experiencing a difficulty, regardless of whether or not you THINK you should be struggling with something. We are so quick to invalidate ourselves and our feelings, telling ourselves things like, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” “I should be ‘over’ this by now,” or “come on, shake it off, it’s not a big deal.”
But mindfulness calls us to pay attention, with curiosity and not judgment, to the experiences that arise in-the-moment. This includes physical sensations, emotions and thoughts.
So the first step is to become non-judgmentally aware of the experiences that are arising in relation to a difficulty. You might summarize this by telling yourself,
“This is a moment of struggle. This is difficult. This is painful.”
2. Connect the struggle to Common Humanity
Oftentimes when we’re struggling, we think we’re alone in it, that there’s something inherently wrong with us, that we’re isolated from everyone else. This exacerbates the pain, and is simply not true. An important tenet of self-compassion is the ability to place our struggle in the context of greater humanity.
The degree and flavor of our suffering may vary from person to person, but the general range of experiences is incredibly similar. So take a moment to acknowledge to yourself:
“Pain is a part of the human experience. Everyone experiences this at one time or another. This is actually something that I share with every other person on the planet. I am not alone.”
3. Offer Comfort and Soothing
For many of us, our knee-jerk reaction (after denying and invalidating ourselves!) is to try to resist, avoid or numb the pain. This could look like distraction or avoidance of the trigger, or -- in more salient cases -- substance abuse, self-harm or dissociation.
But what would happen if we actually turned towards ourselves in a moment of pain? What would happen if we treated ourselves with the same compassion and care that we would a good friend who is in pain?
What would happen is we would feel more supported, less alone, more self-reliant and better equipped to make helpful decisions about how to move forward.
So, play around with different soothing and comforting phrases. You may find it helpful to imagine what you would say to a friend who is experiencing a difficulty. You might say something like,
“I see your pain. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you. Whatever you’re experiencing is safe with me.”
Self-compassion is not a magic wand that will make all your pain disappear. But, it can be an extremely powerful tool that has the potential to significantly relieve the secondary effects of pain, like shame, isolation and self-loathing.
We all have the capacity to treat ourselves with love. I invite you to meet that part of yourself with openness and curiosity -- and watch what unfolds!
Yours in wellness,
Heather